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My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I have just turned 47. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.


This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.


I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.


On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.


Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.

Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. As I got older, the stress of taking care of my parents and my sick child while dealing with my partner's lack of interest and poor temperament altered my ritual of having wine leisurely to a more frequent consumption.


My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine'..and shortly a nightly custom to crack one or two'..Privately, I started combining my personal cocktails and having the glass concealed in my baking cupboard.

When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.


Well there's more to it - one time I involved in forbidden relationship with a guy whose a father to my son's friend, the relationship was very intensely emotional, he got me hooked. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.

Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.

Every time I look back over my life, I feel so ashamed myself and to people around me. Below are some of the incidence caused by my alcohol use include:

  • Getting completely drunk last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • Boxing my husband in the face
  • When my son had a friend sleeping over I had a total scream and shout fight, but it only happened once.

Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. Frankly, I perceive my redemption is near.